It's Happening...

...I feel it... I'm getting lonely again. Ugh. A buddy of mine and I were speaking about her going to a concert, but she doesn't have a date for the concert. All of the suggestions for people I threw out for her to go with were shot down. So my last suggestion was, to just go alone.

To this she said, "I just wanna be around other lesbians, is this too much to ask?" I told her, "No," and that I understand completely what she means. This then led to a conversation about the almost three years I've been in Japan, without a girlfriend. Hmm... but I didn't tell her about the time before I even left The States and how lonely I was then. I've always wanted a relationship, but for whatever reason, I was never able to have one.

And then the one real relationship I finally entered after years of being single, only lasted for about three months, and then she is on the other side of the world. I keep trying to tell myself that I need to get myself right and that this "alone" time is for me to work on myself, but Fuck I'm getting sick of the shit.

Half my friends are married, or engaged. And then the other 48% are in relationships. This shit always hits me hardest when drama happens in my life. I've just had a recent blow, a huge hard hitting blow and I'm not sure how I'm going to reel from this, but talking to her tonight definitely hasn't made it any easier.

I told her that I was thinking of having a Japanese girlfriend. Because hell, I've been holding out for someone that isn't here and someone I haven't come across yet. Why not just keep my options open instead of limiting them?

From this she proceeded to talk about my decision and making light jokes that I didn't find too damn funny about me loving soy sauce and shit. I can't believe I actually had to break the shit down to her that I'm fucking lonely! And me waiting on a black woman, of my standards, to come across me here in Japan is pretty much like a fucking waste of time. There's only one woman I've ever come across whom epitomizes all characteristics of the desires of my heart, and she doesn't want me, so hell.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Wait on her ass to cut the damn switch back on? No. Fuck that.

But then, I can't rush things either. I've been trying not to look for a girlfriend, because another friend said to me to stop looking and let it (slash her) find me. I've been waiting for eight years now. Seriously? I'm suppose to just act like this shit doesn't affect me?

Everyone needs companionship. I honestly have no idea how my mother has gone so long without it. I suppose though her energy was focused on us when we were growing up. But now, I want her happy. I want her with someone, the man of her dreams. And, want to be with the woman of mine. And if not her, then a close second, at least let me get my practice in.

I know people who've had many different partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, whomever... I can count on three fingers the number of meaningful terms I've had with people, and two of them hurt me tremendously.

I just want to be happy. Shit just keeps happening. When will it stop? And one thing frustrates the shit out of me is that the more intense the pressure of these passing days get, the more I miss her and the more I need her, but I'm not one to tell.

I saw this quote, "Never apologize for showing feeling, when you do so, you apologize for truth." It caught my attention for a second, maybe two and it tried to convey the message to me to just tell her how much I miss her and how I really feel. But with all the shit that's going on now, what good would it do? I thought my time was limited, hers is far more severe then imagined. Besides that, she's been short with me. Whether intentional or not, I feel the sting.

Although my heart-filled desire is to be with her for life, I realize there is a strong ass possibility it may not end up that way. Perhaps her role in my life is to teach me and show me that things aren't as difficult as they seem and that things can get done if I just do them. Her role is valuable indeed, and I'll always love her, I feel it in my soul. But even if she is not to be with now or ever, I'm still lonely. And now I just want someone to give me a hug.

Hugs on a regularly basis would be nice, and perhaps even some cuddling.

Oye vei.

Peace.

Simple Enough

Ugh! My friends and family have been saying to me for the longest that I should move back home. And what do I say, "Not yet. I don't want to." And it's true, I'm not. But just because I'm not ready to go back home, does that mean that I disqualify myself from having access to them?

I kid you not, my best friend has been M.I.A. for three weeks. As far as I know, she's been abducted by aliens. No call, no message, nothing. Another, has been M.I.A. for over a month. Hmmm... she's still around I know, but where? Is another story.

Another friend has, been missing for weeks as well. And my sister... my own sister... doesn't even call me.

Every one is and I quote, for each and every one of them, "Too Busy." End quote. Ugh! Whatever. People who think they know me, may not really know me... because if they did, they'd know I'm like extra sensitive to you not ever returning my calls or e-mails. Hell, I'm on the other side of the world, when I call or e-mail, can you find three seconds to e-mail me back? At least say, "Um... busy... ttyl." And I'm good.

But, because of my fully active paranoia, my mind always jumps to worse case scenarios, so if I don't hear from you, I'm on my knees praying for my strength to to accept whatever the outcome may be and your safety as well. And then, I wonder, well... "Did I do something?" After convincing myself that of course I did nothing, I wait and wait and wait for them to call. Of course, they don't. It is after maybe a month or so and I decide to up and call again one week, that maybe they will answer and apologize over and over for not being around.

Hmpf. In the meantime, I'm left to wonder about those three seconds. Is it not simple enough to find three seconds to at least e-mail me and say, "Don't worry."

Geez! And don't let me like you and just be crazy about you, then my mind is in a state of steady wonder... "What did I do to piss her off?" "Are we still okay?" "Did I say the wrong thing?"

Anyways, I need to let this out. I'm a bit frustrated... especially when I'm caught up in some triangle shit that I don't want to be in, but I'm not built with the switch to be able to just turn shit off. So in the meantime, I simmer down, and slowly let go.

I gotta go to sleep.
Peace.

Right Now...

...At this moment, I feel a love so deep and strong within me it's exciting and irritating. An interesting combination I know, but I'm coming more into me daily. The sadness, depression and discontent has long subsided, but now something else is there... more anger, but not enough to stall me from having happiness. It's strange.

And although I don't fully know or maybe even perhaps understand this new stuff going on with me, it's going and I'm willing to learn. I just pray to God to help me in the meantime. My future will not reflect my past. I will be better as I discover new areas of myself... reserved, experimental and new pieces of me I've decided to share.

Peace for now.
Ja ne...

Sleepy Thoughts-Time & Progression

Time is endless... as these tracks appear to be, long and unwinding, no flexibility or much room to breathe, unless the time you have, you spend wisely.

Currently, I listen to the clock sing it's blues to me... "click, clack,click, clack,click,clack... and so on." It doesn't stop, at least for now because the batteries are clean, fresh... just like a new life blown into my arms by a sweet unforeseen breeze. I breathe the presence of unity and peace. I appreciate the existence of divinity and excellence. And am very much so involved with a love affair to maintain my own sanity.

Meanwhile, "click, clack, click, clack, click, clack... and so on." I fight thoughts of my family hiding something from me and still not yet treating me as an equal. It's hard being the baby, rarely do people take you seriously. Especially those whom you love.

Instead of believing, respecting and letting time flow on so that the healing begins... they fight, argue, judge and label, stopping time in midair. Though impossible as it seems, it's true. Time stops because no progress is being made. Instead, vile statements are made, conducted by tongues trusted by a previous love.

Look at these tracks... each nail, each bolt, each sliver of wood were made at a different instant in time. Each connection, each hammer, each tightened screw were made one at a different moment in time, through many hours, many days, many minutes... progress was made.

Time is given to us, for this purpose; to make progress. And when we fail to do so, it stops. It stops because we hold on to these drab instances that could actually make us better and help us move on, help us grow.

But what of this which we do not allow that stops time? Anger, dissatisfaction, disapproval, shame, guilt, negativity... in most forms, yet first, the inability to accept things as they are and move on.

Because I am who I am I will be not invited to certain functions; I will not be called by some people; I will be ignored by others; I will be looked at dis-favorably; I will possibly be threatened and even attempts to hurt me may come across, yet none of these may bother me as much as when time stands steal from a malfunctioning effort of familial peace and reconciliation.

I just want time to move on. I want time to not be such a prevalent factor in our relations, I just want to progress... move forward and grow.

But, I'm actually hella sleepy, so wherever this was initially going will just have to wait for now.

Peace.

Realization

I have realized, now in happier times, where my mistakes could lie, in my speed: my rushing to do things instead of taking the time to savor little moments and enjoy the depths of simplicity. I was thinking earlier about how much better I feel now and it dawned on me something that has been said to me a few times, “Take it slow.” And I understand that then my definition of slow was exceptionally faster than a tortoise’s pace.

I can run faster than turtles. And have always been able to since I’ve been able to crawl. I’ve always been speedy about getting things done, even in music, my piano teacher would always tell me to slow down and tap my hand or the keys to get me to understand that a piece that should be played at adagissimo should not be played at allegrissimo. Eventually I begin to slow down, but my speed was still faster than it should have been. Now, I understand.

Even in my own words I shared how I would wait as long as it took, but my length of time was no where close to where it should have been. And thus my efforts to speed up time hurt me. Time has weeks, days, hours, months, minutes, years and seconds. I’m understanding now of even how to embrace those seconds. When usually I’ve been use to bypassing those seconds and nanoseconds and going straight through the hours and days. Which isn’t the way we should do things, because that’s how things get burned. When we don’t pay attention to the little things, that add up increasingly fast, and tremendously in proportion, we lose out.

A scenario could be relative to cooking… some things only take seconds to heat up, but when we ignore those seconds, and jump to minutes, those things get burned, we get burned, and we lose out on the pleasure, of indulging in and tasting them.

Recently I’ve been listening to John West, Either Way. Sometimes I get into these moods to listen to either one singer, one song or a just a few singers during a time period, and right now he is in that period. He says in the song that, “It’s lovely, just thinking about you, even if I’m without you.” And the lyrics he sings have made me think… “Wow… I really should’ve been slow about things… he’s savoring those moments, the seconds of thoughts that bring joy and smiles to our faces.” And I think about all the past relationships I’ve had, all of them were rushed. But not on efforts of my own. It’s the way I was showed. Further embracing and fueling that bad habit I have of speeding things up. It’s taken pain and hurt for me to understand that that’s not the way it should be. Even though I’ve always considered myself to be fairly understanding of time and how things progressively move forth through it.

Things don’t always rapidly move through time. For example, now I know, the sun does not rise or set within a matter of seconds. It takes time. Every second counts. For every second leads to a more beautiful sight. If the seconds weren't there to embrace each ray of the sun, we'd be blinded. But with those seconds and minutes in place, tying together with each ray, our eyes have time to adjust and see the true beauty within.
There's a process. It takes time.

Real time.

The meaning of time and having the patience to withstand it has been misconstrued by myself and others for eons. I’m so thankful I’m now able to understand the true meaning of it, or at least I’m closer to being able to do so. Savor those tiny moments. Embrace the seconds of laughter. Indulge in the minutes of time. Respect the nanoseconds of life. They are there for a purpose. Don’t move so fast you don’t notice them.

Now, I’m noticing. And it’s lovely. Friendship is beautiful.

I believe a big part of my speed is attributed to my shock that the qualities and expectations I have of my “She” to be real, are personified in such a beautiful being. For so long, these things were just dreams. With this dreamed realized, I lost my mind. I rushed to capture what for so long I’ve wanted, instead of taking the time to embrace all she could offer. I enjoy where we are now, and on some levels I regret sharing so much of my feelings with her so soon. I’m still unsure of if I could have really stopped them if I had tried to suppress them a little longer, but it’s all out now. In some ways it’s good to be out, free and not toiling over the feeling of her not even knowing though, because I’ve been there before, those feelings of regret of silence are not enjoyable.

I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I’m happy I’ve finally learned this lesson. One I wish to Not Ever repeat. Shaking my head, I think I caused myself so much pain. Combined with the chaos of outside messes tainting my motivations and spirits as well, it put a massive weight and pain on me I never wish to re-endure. I seriously thought something was wrong with me, like I had missed something and was not operating the way I should’ve been. It seemed like everything came crashing down all at once.

Yet, with time, my wounds have been able to heal. I’m getting better. And I’m beyond better than where I was. I still have a ways to go, but I believe I’m on the right path. I’m learning, definitely learning.

Forgive me for my speed.



Peace.

Ramblings

I'm trying. I'm moving. I'm slowly, very slowly progressing towards a better me. Right now, I'm partially outside looking at the trees, experiencing the breeze. I see these bugs fly by me, I'm hoping they don't see me.

I'm sitting in my window. It's a nice big, tall, wide window and with the screen open, it's easy for unwanted things to come in. But, if there's anything I don't want more when being lonely, it's unwanted accompany.

When in reality the only company I really want is not into me. I don't think she wants me. Doesn't that absolutely suck? What's even worse is that in the short time that we haven't been in each others' "potential more than friends" company, she's on to the next one. I chuckle slightly at this, because usually the women I fall for are usually not within my reach... Sigh, it gets better though. This I know. But right now... it's a little difficult for me.

So, I write what's on my mind. My missing the sunshine that was placed in my life. At one point, if even for a short while, we communicated everyday. She woke me up and put me to sleep, it was sweet. Although even while we were doing this, I told myself not to get use to it. But it was nice.

I was her sun-rising and falling, now I'm just an in between thing. I suppose a friend. Yet I wonder is it really better then nothing? Although the presence of her has contributed a great deal to my healing. I truly don't know what state I'd be in now if she wasn't at least willingly to check up on me.

Now, I'm in a perpetual state of longing now, for everything; sex, love, life, happiness, home, company- wanted company. I'm wanting to see others who look like me. This nation of homogenous beings, wow... it's potentially irking me. Everywhere I look I strive to see someone new, different, from the visual status quo. But, it's unusual, a rarity, which is why I think they are so astounded when they see me.

I'm quite far from what their eyes usually see. *Shaking my head* sadly, indeed.

I'm sad. Ugh. I hate sadness. Sadness exudes negativity. I hate it. But this is where I am. Not for long though. I refuse to be like this forever. Besides, whenever I meet my lady, I'm quite certain she won't want for my depression. So, I'm getting better, in the least, slowly. I'm getting better.

I sure wish I could find someone here though. But really, I wish the one I want, also wanted me. I really can't wait for this phase to end. I'm so sick of trying to be with women who don't want me. And I think to myself, "Is something wrong with me?" I mean, I'm not ugly. I'm not stupid. I'm not lazy. I have goals. I have education. I'm cute. I know how to speak. I know how to treat a woman. What the hell is holding me back? I wish I knew this answer. I'd stop it and move on.

I know one obvious thing could be because of my distance from those who I'm most attracted to, but if that's truly the only reason, I find that hard to believe. Because even when I was there... but I was also a little more shy. Oh well. I'm growing.

Perhaps I'm trying to rush this love thing. But I don't feel that I am. I'm just tired of getting close to it and not being able to go all the way or have those feelings reciprocated. But, at least now I know how to recognize it. For a long time I was uncertain of what it is or how to recognize it or how it would feel. So, I never said "I love you" to any of my past relationships. Even when they said it to me, because I didn't feel the same.

Now I do. And I'm on the opposite side. I'm completely in tune with this feeling and I'm appreciating it, but wishing it would just go away too, because how I did with my lasts, this time there is no reciprocation. Smh... sucks doesn't it. Maybe the Universe is paying me back. Fuck... sigh.

Again I say, Oh well. At least I'm growing.

Hope you enjoyed my rambling.

Peace.

I Prayed

I prayed today about my circumstances. It felt good to pray, although I was ashamed of not doing so before.

I'm not certain where this journey will take me. No matter how much I wish for things to be a certain way, or for people to feel a certain way, it won't happen with a wish. Things are divinely ordered, though I do believe we are giving the opportunity and chances to change things.

I keep wondering about the "What if" in all of this... "What if I had said something different?" "What if I had gotten this instead?" "What if I had not gotten that at all?" "What if I had worked then instead of there?" "What if I had hid that part of myself instead?" "What if? What if? What if?"

It's annoyingly interesting how we have a tendency to look at things in retrospect with a longing and desire of having taken the road less traveled... because in the beginning both opportunities present each have an equal amount of chance to go one way or the other. So with nearly every decision we make, we're giving up something else... whether good or bad; That part is unknown.

Yet, these retrospective thoughts usually only make themselves clear when what we have planned hasn't gone the way we planned at all. And because I'm in the processing of reconstructing all my plans, I'm lost. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm bitter. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm restless. I'm tired.

While I was praying, I asked The Father to help me get something I already have, but am just unsure right now of how to reach it: peace.

At one point in my life I believed that Peace could come and go as it damn well pleased. However, this isn't the case. Peace is always with us, yet because we either allow fear, anger, sorrow or some other ill-bred emotion to seize our minds, we lose sight of what's inside.

At least I can say, I've allowed this to happen to me. A large part of that is due to anger. Anger with so many different areas in my life that all have something uniquely in common. That anger has turned to frustration with not, essentially, getting my way, then frustration turned to sadness, and sadness turned to loneliness. It's a weight... an unwelcomed cycle, that also includes a bit of fear.

I hate fear. But right now it seems to be trying to attach itself to me. I suppose one side of me is letting it, the other side is fighting it. I shake my head... sigh... another struggle.

Yet, all in all, I'm getting better. I feel it. I haven't had any more break downs, though I feel some tears there, they don't fall. I'm tired of crying. Despite the fact that tears help clean your eyes, right now, I don't want to cry. I'll clean them later.

I'm in an unusual state now, I'm not where I was but not where I want to be, like I'm in transition from one place to another, but still not the final destination. It's been described as "Purgatory." Behind thoughtful expressions, I suppose I'd agree.

I'm just pleased it's another level. I'm really working on maintaining. I really am. I hate being so sad and depressed. Though I'm not liking circumstances and the wide open, chilling, potentially physically exhausting realities surrounding me on a daily, I have to deal with them. I've got to find something positive in these situations and focus on it.

I'm working on getting better. And I prayed about it. I want to be better, in so many ways, on so many levels; and I know I can't do this alone. I've told myself numerous times before that perhaps I'm seeking solace in the wrong thing, people; but then at the same time, God has placed people here for a reason; to also be able to grant each other that physical support or touch when we need it. And because that part has often lacked in my life, I retreat within me and dwell there.

I've been opening myself up for awhile now. Bit by bit, more of me I share, it's slightly scary, because I anticipate hurt that drives me back to my closet... but when I take those chances to step out and then it's not returned or appreciated, it hurts more.

Ah, this life is so simply difficult it's annoying. But, I at least I can find a little comfort in knowing I'm not really alone, hence, I pray; for understanding, love, growth, acceptance, betterment.

Slowly I'm getting better. I'm not there yet though, so please, don't leave me alone.

This is my update for today.

Peace.

Tears...

... Have been drenching my face constantly for the past few days, weeks... I don't know why. I wish I could stop them from falling, but still they remain. My life has changed, things are no longer the same.

I've moved. Which is good. I could no longer stay where I was before, but then my ex supervisor threatened to sue me because I was leaving and breaking her contract early. I held my ground, but I can't deny that it shook me.

I was lied to and mislead. I was told I was moving to another city then where I'm located. I was told that I'd be only five minutes from the school, walking distance. I was told there would be a lot more things to do in this bigger city. I didn't move to a city, I moved to a town. And didn't know anything about it until the day I came here. To say it's a town is giving it a better status. I'm not five minutes from the school, I'm 40 minutes, if I walk.

My transportation, a bicycle, can get me there in 15 minutes.(But I was originally told I would get a car.) There is nothing to do here, except walk around and enjoy the abundant rice fields. I can also go to the train station and 10 minutes and three stops later I'm at the city I was told I'd be moving too.

I've been rained on, freezing and ignored.

The air conditioner and heater unit was broken the first day I came here. It was freezing that night too. The company did call someone to come fix it, but it broke again two days later. Finally the next week, the entire unit was just replaced. But then, the vent cap in the bathroom, that I was also lied too about, starting falling down. The company sent someone to give it a temporary fix. For now, it's holding, but I wonder.

There is no furniture or convenience in the apartment. Not even a rod in the closet to hang my clothes. I'm still living in boxes. The wooden floors are nice. I bought a carpet for one of the rooms, that helps, and I set up my bookshelf, that helps a bit more. The rooms are big, the kitchen and dining area included, but the refrigerator is about 3 ft 5 and the bathtub is about 3 ft 5 as well. I'm pissed.

I can't even attempt to relax after I get rained on from riding my bicycle to a school I was told was FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AWAY.

I sleep on a futon, hard and uncomfortable as it is. So, I don't rest. I just sleep. I don't relax. I just pretend.

I've been repeatedly denied access to things I want, things I need, things I crave. All of which has hurt, deeply. And then my ex supervisor takes away 90% of what I'm supposed to make. She's bitter. Leaving me to survive for the next month until I get paid on 10% of what I should have. I'm struggling.

It seems that every time I see myself getting closer and closer to pulling out of this financial mess, something happens to set me back.

I'm tired of disappointments. And I think back and I wonder, when I first came here, I was at peace. Happier than I had been in such a long time. I was free, excited, happy, simply, at peace. It was so wonderful. Then things changed. And now, well, one person thinks I'm depressed. Another person says it's possible to be in denial about being depressed. I say, as I cry, "What's wrong with me?"

I had two different phone calls this evening. I'm on a roll... that's more than I've had in a week... makes me wonder who really cares about me. But the first call was from a student loan agency. It's time for them to collect. So, sad and upset as I was for them calling me on a Saturday night, after I'd finally gone to sleep, I arranged the next payment as requested. I pushed away thoughts of depression. I just wanted to go back to sleep. But I didn't. I had another thought to just write a little something, until I could get sleepy again.

The second call was a return call. She usually calls back if she knows I've called. Which is good, because people usually don't do that for me. The drawback is that, she's so incredibly busy, it's never when I want her to call.

I had a moment earlier today, I completely broke down. I called two people I knew I could talk to, but I believe mainly due to time differences, is why I couldn't talk to them. It was about 4:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m. their times. One person called back.

But it hurts to speak with her. I know I can talk to her, but how much is too much? She says, or at least she use to say, that she always wants to know what's on my mind, whatever it is. But, can I really tell her, I feel so fucking cold. I'm hurt that none of the people who claim to be my friends are concerned about me at all. They all chalk up excuses to being busy and shit.

I understand being busy. But, in the least if I reach the fuck out to you, then reach the fuck back. We're supposed to be friends. I realized today that I only have maybe three friends, including one potential.

I remember watching this Tyler Perry thing and he said in it that he puts people in his lives in the category of a tree; roots, branches and leaves. Roots will always remain. Branches are tricky, because they can break if you put too much pressure on them. Leaves are comforting, for the moment, because they change, move and die so frequently; they aren't reliable. I know for sure, there is one root in my life. And this is aside from family. One. But, she's been super busy also.She just bought a damn house. One day I'll do the same. But it still hurts that I haven't been able to reach her. I really need her now.

Many of the people I thought would be roots are actually branches. I can't trust them. But they're nice for a while, until pressure builds, they can't take it and they leave. One person has called me. She calls every once in awhile and swears all around that we are friends, but I can't trust her. She's not my friend. Just a branch.

Right now, I can't identify any leaves. But I do see another potential root, in one I originally wanted more from. I cried, as she silently made her exit from my life. I don't know why. But even now, I still cry. I read something she wrote, about catching feelings and being with an awesome person... I knew she wasn't talking about me, and it hurt so bad. But funny thing is that she's willing to be one of the best friends I've never had.

It's been her who's been keeping me from going completely insane. But I cry. After we got off the phone, I cried. Wishing it was me she wanted to continue to speak too. And yet again, I wondered after the tears fell, "What is wrong with me?" I also cried because I'd held back what I needed to release. Every time I speak with her, I wonder how much is too much? I try to find solace in the point that she doesn't want me and that whatever I share won't change her opinion of me. But, I can never really tell all. But I ache too. It hurts to keep this shit in. Yet, I also don't want to be too negative.

I've been wondering if I should just leave her be for awhile. But, as much as I want too, I can't. Because when I'm going through, she's the one who comforts me. She's the one who's been there on a regular basis. If I distance myself from her, who else will remain? I will be alone then.

I've been so busted the last few weeks. I'm trying to be positive about something, but after today, I'm really not sure when my time to be sad will end. I really just want to go the fuck home. But even when I get there, what would I do? Because I don't want to see the so called people who say they're my friends. There's only one dude, the other person I mentioned, who I can really see being a cool ass friend. We don't talk often, but he's seemingly always available when I want to speak to him. Another potential root.

However, because he is a guy, I don't share the extent of what I'm feeling about certain things like I would my other friend. Perhaps I should just ask him if those negative things would be okay. He always brings an interesting twist and humourous light to the situation anyway. And God knows I need to laugh. Perhaps I will talk to him.

Another thing though that's been trying to eat at me is this ridiculous feud with my sister and her tight-lipped husband. He's been quiet for months. Whenever I attempt to contact him, he doesn't respond. I'm always linked to my sister instead. Apparently he's upset because he thought I was rude during the time I was waiting for my computer to be fixed. He thought I was being rude to him. Well, I tried to apologize to him, but he hasn't responded to me. And so my sister is upset because she thinks I haven't apologized to him. I told her I did, and she said he won't accept it if he thinks she told me to do it. So, about a week later, I did a more sincere apology, he still hasn't responded.

I'm sick of this shit. I have my own fucking problems. If family is going to be on some other bullshit then fuck the fuck off. Fuck! This bitch is threatening to fucking sue me and he's mad because he misunderstood something I said. Get the fuck out!

Right now, I really, really, really need someone to talk to. Why is that every day I feel there's no one there?

Even in the Japan updates I do, people don't respond unless they want something. There are never in comments on "How are you?" I'm running the fuck out of patience. I'm tired. I really am. I wish I could just snuggle up with her and have no problems in the world. Even if just for a while. No fucking student loan payments to worry about, no fucking credit card payments to worry about, no fucking internet, phone, gas or electricity payments to worry about. No fucking potential international fucking lawsuits to worry about. Just nothing, but me and her. And I wonder, how long will it take for me to get there?

I'm also wondering now, what I'm going to do when I go home for vacation. There are only a handful of people I want to see. But, I want to be able to go to the beach, drive along the coast and just chill. But will the person I want to do these things with be available? I can go to the beach with my buddy, but the drive... I don't know.

I just wish I wasn't so fucking sad. I'm depressed at times and crying at others. My plans have failed. New shit pops up everyday. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I want to be happy. I'm tired of the fucking tears. What is wrong with me?


Help me.

Listen...

... To the words that are coming out of my mouth...

Listen...

... To the words that I speak with my heart...

Listen...

... To the words that I say to you...

Listen...

... To me...

I've been told I don't listen. I've been told, "I said that before." I've been told, "You don't listen to me."

And, I've been trying to figure out why. At times, I am the best listener, I know. I listen to, interpret, and comprehend mazes, algorithms, theories, as well as, hypotheses many either care not to understand or even attempt to learn.

Yet, with all this ability I have to interpret and grasp facts, there is still an area in which I'm working on further development, and it's not just dealing with being able to hear what is being conveyed, but to understand, grasp and put into practice after the first notation.

I've found that I'm able to completely listen or not listen at all. If I'm unintentionally indulging in the latter, I've discovered that my mental absence could be due to, being caught up in my own thoughts of what has been previously said or either, I'm not interested, at all. Simple enough, right? No se... (I don't know.)

By my missing facts or important notes I end up hearing one say, "I've said that before," or "You don't listen," or "Why do I have to repeat myself?" or "You don't listen to me." And ironically enough, this happens most often, (whenever it happens) in the situations, with people, I wish it wouldn't have occured with.

Aaaaa, I sigh... Ooooo, I let an old man growl... oye vei, I rest my head back on my pillow and close my eyes. I'm suppose to be better then this. I'm me; simply better than this. So what's the problem? I ask a question with an answer that hides itself from me.

Sigh...

I'm thinking of all this now because of a spat and an argument. With two different people, but two people I wish to not upset. One means a great deal to me, while the other is in a respectable position, though I do not care for her values or moral standards.

And for these to have happened so recently, around the same time, so close to each other on my personal timeline, it's sent my mind into a whirlwind of thought. Thoughts I wish I would just let go. I have a tendency to overthink things, so I believe. Which may be another reason for my disquietness.

Although, my concerns for the future are limited, my thoughts of this instance are abundant. And I'm tired.

I'm tired of all the apparent apathy when it comes to me, but when it comes to others and their concerns, it's me who doesn't listen. Ah... empathy for self turned to anger against someone else. Ha. Not in the least, but close.

At least I've recognized my intermittent problem and I've made and am still making steps to rectify it; but in the meantime I wonder if others are making moves to correct their own problems? Because while I'm listening to you... who will listen to me?

Listen...

Is what's been said to me.

Listen...

Is what I've been told I don't do enough of.

Listen...

Is what they want me to do.

But Listening, is a two way street.



Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on dried quicksand...

Peace.

Chasing...

... My tail is how I've felt lately. I'm running in circles... around the one I want to be with because, I'm not so sure she wants to be with me.

I've expressed myself a thousand times, minus 998. But still, that's more than I've ever done. I've stepped into a new side of myself that I know is easier for me to embrace, yet I wonder if she could embrace me too. However lately, I've been feeling like not.

She's older.

I wonder...

Does this affect how she could feel?

She's told me, she's thought about the age difference. She's told me because of my maturity and intellect she hasn't based our potential togetherness on my age. Still yet, she falters in giving me a final decision... yes or no? I don't know. Right now, it's friendship... "Friendship is cool," she says to me.

Wow... shaking my head... how could I be so naive? Tsk... tsk... tsk... "Do better Pimp," I attempt to comfort myself, but, "Ahhh, I'm not a Pimp, I just crush a lot, fills my mind with memories.

Still... through all my infatuations, crushes and lust motivated interests and relationships, I see that this time it's different. For me at least. I'd do anything for her. I feel that so deeply, with so much certainty, I wonder if it's Love. The feeling for her is so different, refreshing, enlightening... special. Pure and simple, it's special.

I've shared sides of myself with her, I've never shown anyone. I've given her access to me I haven't gifted to anyone else. But, yet, lately... as this fourth month of the year approaches us, I'm feeling the mind of my heart making itself up... "She doesn't want me."

I'm chasing pavements... I've realized that the first few lines of Adele's song, describes how I feel, "I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over. If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further, this ain't lust, I know this is love... But if I told the world, I'd never say enough because it was not said to you..."

I crave her in a place I've never craved before. I want her in a way, I've never wanted before. I only want her.

When I try to think of having sex with someone, my thoughts always bring me back to making love with her. I test myself; to see if this is real. It is... for one party. Damn. As much as this sucks, I feel that with us, we'll go not where I want. She's just too busy to see, or perhaps she sees and just ignores, or perhaps, she sees, ignores and doesn't feel.

One way or the other, she knows. She knows.

When Adele asks, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" I think to myself, "That's me. And to answer that question, I'll just give up."

I will no longer press the issue with her. Friendship is what she seeks. Friendship is what she'll get. I was hoping this wouldn't hurt, and for awhile it didn't, but as I've typed those last words, tears have formed in my eyes.

At most though, at least I can say, I've met a beautifully, incredible woman- mind, spirit, body, soul. Now I smile, because I am truly pleased to have met her. She's shown me a side of woman I'd only dreamed of, now I know she's real. And she's out there for me.

One day, this will be us... And my search will be complete.

Peace.

So...

... To say it's been a long time, might be a bit of an understatement... so, I confess... it's been too long. I've been so caught up in the on goings and non goings of life that I've strayed away from that which I love close to most, writing.

Yet, now I'm finding my way back through the chaos that once consumed my mind... and I'm finding that I'm free.

Free to be a me that I've never before released. For fear of judgment and misunderstandings, I kept this "she" all to me. But following the turn of events in my life and the beautiful spirit of a special one therein, I'm continually, yet slowly moving on an upward slope to be a more open being.

With that, to also stop being so afraid of the thoughts of others and their opinions of who I am.

I am one who He created and one whom He loves.

I am one who she wants to be with and one who deeply appreciates her for who she is.

I am one who loves life at it's simplicities and meditates through it's complexities.

I am one so often touched on a plane many can't relate to by the sadness of the world, that the ofteness aches my heart.

I am one who is giving freely of all of me, but if crossed will close all of me off to you as well.

I am one who is finding her way through life and slowly achieving her goals.

I am one who is truly, uniquely, me.

It's time to wake up and see the sunrise...

Welcome back to my thoughts.

Peace.