Chasing...

... My tail is how I've felt lately. I'm running in circles... around the one I want to be with because, I'm not so sure she wants to be with me.

I've expressed myself a thousand times, minus 998. But still, that's more than I've ever done. I've stepped into a new side of myself that I know is easier for me to embrace, yet I wonder if she could embrace me too. However lately, I've been feeling like not.

She's older.

I wonder...

Does this affect how she could feel?

She's told me, she's thought about the age difference. She's told me because of my maturity and intellect she hasn't based our potential togetherness on my age. Still yet, she falters in giving me a final decision... yes or no? I don't know. Right now, it's friendship... "Friendship is cool," she says to me.

Wow... shaking my head... how could I be so naive? Tsk... tsk... tsk... "Do better Pimp," I attempt to comfort myself, but, "Ahhh, I'm not a Pimp, I just crush a lot, fills my mind with memories.

Still... through all my infatuations, crushes and lust motivated interests and relationships, I see that this time it's different. For me at least. I'd do anything for her. I feel that so deeply, with so much certainty, I wonder if it's Love. The feeling for her is so different, refreshing, enlightening... special. Pure and simple, it's special.

I've shared sides of myself with her, I've never shown anyone. I've given her access to me I haven't gifted to anyone else. But, yet, lately... as this fourth month of the year approaches us, I'm feeling the mind of my heart making itself up... "She doesn't want me."

I'm chasing pavements... I've realized that the first few lines of Adele's song, describes how I feel, "I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over. If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further, this ain't lust, I know this is love... But if I told the world, I'd never say enough because it was not said to you..."

I crave her in a place I've never craved before. I want her in a way, I've never wanted before. I only want her.

When I try to think of having sex with someone, my thoughts always bring me back to making love with her. I test myself; to see if this is real. It is... for one party. Damn. As much as this sucks, I feel that with us, we'll go not where I want. She's just too busy to see, or perhaps she sees and just ignores, or perhaps, she sees, ignores and doesn't feel.

One way or the other, she knows. She knows.

When Adele asks, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" I think to myself, "That's me. And to answer that question, I'll just give up."

I will no longer press the issue with her. Friendship is what she seeks. Friendship is what she'll get. I was hoping this wouldn't hurt, and for awhile it didn't, but as I've typed those last words, tears have formed in my eyes.

At most though, at least I can say, I've met a beautifully, incredible woman- mind, spirit, body, soul. Now I smile, because I am truly pleased to have met her. She's shown me a side of woman I'd only dreamed of, now I know she's real. And she's out there for me.

One day, this will be us... And my search will be complete.

Peace.