It's Happening...

...I feel it... I'm getting lonely again. Ugh. A buddy of mine and I were speaking about her going to a concert, but she doesn't have a date for the concert. All of the suggestions for people I threw out for her to go with were shot down. So my last suggestion was, to just go alone.

To this she said, "I just wanna be around other lesbians, is this too much to ask?" I told her, "No," and that I understand completely what she means. This then led to a conversation about the almost three years I've been in Japan, without a girlfriend. Hmm... but I didn't tell her about the time before I even left The States and how lonely I was then. I've always wanted a relationship, but for whatever reason, I was never able to have one.

And then the one real relationship I finally entered after years of being single, only lasted for about three months, and then she is on the other side of the world. I keep trying to tell myself that I need to get myself right and that this "alone" time is for me to work on myself, but Fuck I'm getting sick of the shit.

Half my friends are married, or engaged. And then the other 48% are in relationships. This shit always hits me hardest when drama happens in my life. I've just had a recent blow, a huge hard hitting blow and I'm not sure how I'm going to reel from this, but talking to her tonight definitely hasn't made it any easier.

I told her that I was thinking of having a Japanese girlfriend. Because hell, I've been holding out for someone that isn't here and someone I haven't come across yet. Why not just keep my options open instead of limiting them?

From this she proceeded to talk about my decision and making light jokes that I didn't find too damn funny about me loving soy sauce and shit. I can't believe I actually had to break the shit down to her that I'm fucking lonely! And me waiting on a black woman, of my standards, to come across me here in Japan is pretty much like a fucking waste of time. There's only one woman I've ever come across whom epitomizes all characteristics of the desires of my heart, and she doesn't want me, so hell.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Wait on her ass to cut the damn switch back on? No. Fuck that.

But then, I can't rush things either. I've been trying not to look for a girlfriend, because another friend said to me to stop looking and let it (slash her) find me. I've been waiting for eight years now. Seriously? I'm suppose to just act like this shit doesn't affect me?

Everyone needs companionship. I honestly have no idea how my mother has gone so long without it. I suppose though her energy was focused on us when we were growing up. But now, I want her happy. I want her with someone, the man of her dreams. And, want to be with the woman of mine. And if not her, then a close second, at least let me get my practice in.

I know people who've had many different partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, whomever... I can count on three fingers the number of meaningful terms I've had with people, and two of them hurt me tremendously.

I just want to be happy. Shit just keeps happening. When will it stop? And one thing frustrates the shit out of me is that the more intense the pressure of these passing days get, the more I miss her and the more I need her, but I'm not one to tell.

I saw this quote, "Never apologize for showing feeling, when you do so, you apologize for truth." It caught my attention for a second, maybe two and it tried to convey the message to me to just tell her how much I miss her and how I really feel. But with all the shit that's going on now, what good would it do? I thought my time was limited, hers is far more severe then imagined. Besides that, she's been short with me. Whether intentional or not, I feel the sting.

Although my heart-filled desire is to be with her for life, I realize there is a strong ass possibility it may not end up that way. Perhaps her role in my life is to teach me and show me that things aren't as difficult as they seem and that things can get done if I just do them. Her role is valuable indeed, and I'll always love her, I feel it in my soul. But even if she is not to be with now or ever, I'm still lonely. And now I just want someone to give me a hug.

Hugs on a regularly basis would be nice, and perhaps even some cuddling.

Oye vei.

Peace.