Ramblings

I'm trying. I'm moving. I'm slowly, very slowly progressing towards a better me. Right now, I'm partially outside looking at the trees, experiencing the breeze. I see these bugs fly by me, I'm hoping they don't see me.

I'm sitting in my window. It's a nice big, tall, wide window and with the screen open, it's easy for unwanted things to come in. But, if there's anything I don't want more when being lonely, it's unwanted accompany.

When in reality the only company I really want is not into me. I don't think she wants me. Doesn't that absolutely suck? What's even worse is that in the short time that we haven't been in each others' "potential more than friends" company, she's on to the next one. I chuckle slightly at this, because usually the women I fall for are usually not within my reach... Sigh, it gets better though. This I know. But right now... it's a little difficult for me.

So, I write what's on my mind. My missing the sunshine that was placed in my life. At one point, if even for a short while, we communicated everyday. She woke me up and put me to sleep, it was sweet. Although even while we were doing this, I told myself not to get use to it. But it was nice.

I was her sun-rising and falling, now I'm just an in between thing. I suppose a friend. Yet I wonder is it really better then nothing? Although the presence of her has contributed a great deal to my healing. I truly don't know what state I'd be in now if she wasn't at least willingly to check up on me.

Now, I'm in a perpetual state of longing now, for everything; sex, love, life, happiness, home, company- wanted company. I'm wanting to see others who look like me. This nation of homogenous beings, wow... it's potentially irking me. Everywhere I look I strive to see someone new, different, from the visual status quo. But, it's unusual, a rarity, which is why I think they are so astounded when they see me.

I'm quite far from what their eyes usually see. *Shaking my head* sadly, indeed.

I'm sad. Ugh. I hate sadness. Sadness exudes negativity. I hate it. But this is where I am. Not for long though. I refuse to be like this forever. Besides, whenever I meet my lady, I'm quite certain she won't want for my depression. So, I'm getting better, in the least, slowly. I'm getting better.

I sure wish I could find someone here though. But really, I wish the one I want, also wanted me. I really can't wait for this phase to end. I'm so sick of trying to be with women who don't want me. And I think to myself, "Is something wrong with me?" I mean, I'm not ugly. I'm not stupid. I'm not lazy. I have goals. I have education. I'm cute. I know how to speak. I know how to treat a woman. What the hell is holding me back? I wish I knew this answer. I'd stop it and move on.

I know one obvious thing could be because of my distance from those who I'm most attracted to, but if that's truly the only reason, I find that hard to believe. Because even when I was there... but I was also a little more shy. Oh well. I'm growing.

Perhaps I'm trying to rush this love thing. But I don't feel that I am. I'm just tired of getting close to it and not being able to go all the way or have those feelings reciprocated. But, at least now I know how to recognize it. For a long time I was uncertain of what it is or how to recognize it or how it would feel. So, I never said "I love you" to any of my past relationships. Even when they said it to me, because I didn't feel the same.

Now I do. And I'm on the opposite side. I'm completely in tune with this feeling and I'm appreciating it, but wishing it would just go away too, because how I did with my lasts, this time there is no reciprocation. Smh... sucks doesn't it. Maybe the Universe is paying me back. Fuck... sigh.

Again I say, Oh well. At least I'm growing.

Hope you enjoyed my rambling.

Peace.