Realization

I have realized, now in happier times, where my mistakes could lie, in my speed: my rushing to do things instead of taking the time to savor little moments and enjoy the depths of simplicity. I was thinking earlier about how much better I feel now and it dawned on me something that has been said to me a few times, “Take it slow.” And I understand that then my definition of slow was exceptionally faster than a tortoise’s pace.

I can run faster than turtles. And have always been able to since I’ve been able to crawl. I’ve always been speedy about getting things done, even in music, my piano teacher would always tell me to slow down and tap my hand or the keys to get me to understand that a piece that should be played at adagissimo should not be played at allegrissimo. Eventually I begin to slow down, but my speed was still faster than it should have been. Now, I understand.

Even in my own words I shared how I would wait as long as it took, but my length of time was no where close to where it should have been. And thus my efforts to speed up time hurt me. Time has weeks, days, hours, months, minutes, years and seconds. I’m understanding now of even how to embrace those seconds. When usually I’ve been use to bypassing those seconds and nanoseconds and going straight through the hours and days. Which isn’t the way we should do things, because that’s how things get burned. When we don’t pay attention to the little things, that add up increasingly fast, and tremendously in proportion, we lose out.

A scenario could be relative to cooking… some things only take seconds to heat up, but when we ignore those seconds, and jump to minutes, those things get burned, we get burned, and we lose out on the pleasure, of indulging in and tasting them.

Recently I’ve been listening to John West, Either Way. Sometimes I get into these moods to listen to either one singer, one song or a just a few singers during a time period, and right now he is in that period. He says in the song that, “It’s lovely, just thinking about you, even if I’m without you.” And the lyrics he sings have made me think… “Wow… I really should’ve been slow about things… he’s savoring those moments, the seconds of thoughts that bring joy and smiles to our faces.” And I think about all the past relationships I’ve had, all of them were rushed. But not on efforts of my own. It’s the way I was showed. Further embracing and fueling that bad habit I have of speeding things up. It’s taken pain and hurt for me to understand that that’s not the way it should be. Even though I’ve always considered myself to be fairly understanding of time and how things progressively move forth through it.

Things don’t always rapidly move through time. For example, now I know, the sun does not rise or set within a matter of seconds. It takes time. Every second counts. For every second leads to a more beautiful sight. If the seconds weren't there to embrace each ray of the sun, we'd be blinded. But with those seconds and minutes in place, tying together with each ray, our eyes have time to adjust and see the true beauty within.
There's a process. It takes time.

Real time.

The meaning of time and having the patience to withstand it has been misconstrued by myself and others for eons. I’m so thankful I’m now able to understand the true meaning of it, or at least I’m closer to being able to do so. Savor those tiny moments. Embrace the seconds of laughter. Indulge in the minutes of time. Respect the nanoseconds of life. They are there for a purpose. Don’t move so fast you don’t notice them.

Now, I’m noticing. And it’s lovely. Friendship is beautiful.

I believe a big part of my speed is attributed to my shock that the qualities and expectations I have of my “She” to be real, are personified in such a beautiful being. For so long, these things were just dreams. With this dreamed realized, I lost my mind. I rushed to capture what for so long I’ve wanted, instead of taking the time to embrace all she could offer. I enjoy where we are now, and on some levels I regret sharing so much of my feelings with her so soon. I’m still unsure of if I could have really stopped them if I had tried to suppress them a little longer, but it’s all out now. In some ways it’s good to be out, free and not toiling over the feeling of her not even knowing though, because I’ve been there before, those feelings of regret of silence are not enjoyable.

I’m not sure of what the future holds, but I’m happy I’ve finally learned this lesson. One I wish to Not Ever repeat. Shaking my head, I think I caused myself so much pain. Combined with the chaos of outside messes tainting my motivations and spirits as well, it put a massive weight and pain on me I never wish to re-endure. I seriously thought something was wrong with me, like I had missed something and was not operating the way I should’ve been. It seemed like everything came crashing down all at once.

Yet, with time, my wounds have been able to heal. I’m getting better. And I’m beyond better than where I was. I still have a ways to go, but I believe I’m on the right path. I’m learning, definitely learning.

Forgive me for my speed.



Peace.