I Prayed

I prayed today about my circumstances. It felt good to pray, although I was ashamed of not doing so before.

I'm not certain where this journey will take me. No matter how much I wish for things to be a certain way, or for people to feel a certain way, it won't happen with a wish. Things are divinely ordered, though I do believe we are giving the opportunity and chances to change things.

I keep wondering about the "What if" in all of this... "What if I had said something different?" "What if I had gotten this instead?" "What if I had not gotten that at all?" "What if I had worked then instead of there?" "What if I had hid that part of myself instead?" "What if? What if? What if?"

It's annoyingly interesting how we have a tendency to look at things in retrospect with a longing and desire of having taken the road less traveled... because in the beginning both opportunities present each have an equal amount of chance to go one way or the other. So with nearly every decision we make, we're giving up something else... whether good or bad; That part is unknown.

Yet, these retrospective thoughts usually only make themselves clear when what we have planned hasn't gone the way we planned at all. And because I'm in the processing of reconstructing all my plans, I'm lost. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm bitter. I'm annoyed. I'm angry. I'm restless. I'm tired.

While I was praying, I asked The Father to help me get something I already have, but am just unsure right now of how to reach it: peace.

At one point in my life I believed that Peace could come and go as it damn well pleased. However, this isn't the case. Peace is always with us, yet because we either allow fear, anger, sorrow or some other ill-bred emotion to seize our minds, we lose sight of what's inside.

At least I can say, I've allowed this to happen to me. A large part of that is due to anger. Anger with so many different areas in my life that all have something uniquely in common. That anger has turned to frustration with not, essentially, getting my way, then frustration turned to sadness, and sadness turned to loneliness. It's a weight... an unwelcomed cycle, that also includes a bit of fear.

I hate fear. But right now it seems to be trying to attach itself to me. I suppose one side of me is letting it, the other side is fighting it. I shake my head... sigh... another struggle.

Yet, all in all, I'm getting better. I feel it. I haven't had any more break downs, though I feel some tears there, they don't fall. I'm tired of crying. Despite the fact that tears help clean your eyes, right now, I don't want to cry. I'll clean them later.

I'm in an unusual state now, I'm not where I was but not where I want to be, like I'm in transition from one place to another, but still not the final destination. It's been described as "Purgatory." Behind thoughtful expressions, I suppose I'd agree.

I'm just pleased it's another level. I'm really working on maintaining. I really am. I hate being so sad and depressed. Though I'm not liking circumstances and the wide open, chilling, potentially physically exhausting realities surrounding me on a daily, I have to deal with them. I've got to find something positive in these situations and focus on it.

I'm working on getting better. And I prayed about it. I want to be better, in so many ways, on so many levels; and I know I can't do this alone. I've told myself numerous times before that perhaps I'm seeking solace in the wrong thing, people; but then at the same time, God has placed people here for a reason; to also be able to grant each other that physical support or touch when we need it. And because that part has often lacked in my life, I retreat within me and dwell there.

I've been opening myself up for awhile now. Bit by bit, more of me I share, it's slightly scary, because I anticipate hurt that drives me back to my closet... but when I take those chances to step out and then it's not returned or appreciated, it hurts more.

Ah, this life is so simply difficult it's annoying. But, I at least I can find a little comfort in knowing I'm not really alone, hence, I pray; for understanding, love, growth, acceptance, betterment.

Slowly I'm getting better. I'm not there yet though, so please, don't leave me alone.

This is my update for today.

Peace.