Tears...

... Have been drenching my face constantly for the past few days, weeks... I don't know why. I wish I could stop them from falling, but still they remain. My life has changed, things are no longer the same.

I've moved. Which is good. I could no longer stay where I was before, but then my ex supervisor threatened to sue me because I was leaving and breaking her contract early. I held my ground, but I can't deny that it shook me.

I was lied to and mislead. I was told I was moving to another city then where I'm located. I was told that I'd be only five minutes from the school, walking distance. I was told there would be a lot more things to do in this bigger city. I didn't move to a city, I moved to a town. And didn't know anything about it until the day I came here. To say it's a town is giving it a better status. I'm not five minutes from the school, I'm 40 minutes, if I walk.

My transportation, a bicycle, can get me there in 15 minutes.(But I was originally told I would get a car.) There is nothing to do here, except walk around and enjoy the abundant rice fields. I can also go to the train station and 10 minutes and three stops later I'm at the city I was told I'd be moving too.

I've been rained on, freezing and ignored.

The air conditioner and heater unit was broken the first day I came here. It was freezing that night too. The company did call someone to come fix it, but it broke again two days later. Finally the next week, the entire unit was just replaced. But then, the vent cap in the bathroom, that I was also lied too about, starting falling down. The company sent someone to give it a temporary fix. For now, it's holding, but I wonder.

There is no furniture or convenience in the apartment. Not even a rod in the closet to hang my clothes. I'm still living in boxes. The wooden floors are nice. I bought a carpet for one of the rooms, that helps, and I set up my bookshelf, that helps a bit more. The rooms are big, the kitchen and dining area included, but the refrigerator is about 3 ft 5 and the bathtub is about 3 ft 5 as well. I'm pissed.

I can't even attempt to relax after I get rained on from riding my bicycle to a school I was told was FIVE FUCKING MINUTES AWAY.

I sleep on a futon, hard and uncomfortable as it is. So, I don't rest. I just sleep. I don't relax. I just pretend.

I've been repeatedly denied access to things I want, things I need, things I crave. All of which has hurt, deeply. And then my ex supervisor takes away 90% of what I'm supposed to make. She's bitter. Leaving me to survive for the next month until I get paid on 10% of what I should have. I'm struggling.

It seems that every time I see myself getting closer and closer to pulling out of this financial mess, something happens to set me back.

I'm tired of disappointments. And I think back and I wonder, when I first came here, I was at peace. Happier than I had been in such a long time. I was free, excited, happy, simply, at peace. It was so wonderful. Then things changed. And now, well, one person thinks I'm depressed. Another person says it's possible to be in denial about being depressed. I say, as I cry, "What's wrong with me?"

I had two different phone calls this evening. I'm on a roll... that's more than I've had in a week... makes me wonder who really cares about me. But the first call was from a student loan agency. It's time for them to collect. So, sad and upset as I was for them calling me on a Saturday night, after I'd finally gone to sleep, I arranged the next payment as requested. I pushed away thoughts of depression. I just wanted to go back to sleep. But I didn't. I had another thought to just write a little something, until I could get sleepy again.

The second call was a return call. She usually calls back if she knows I've called. Which is good, because people usually don't do that for me. The drawback is that, she's so incredibly busy, it's never when I want her to call.

I had a moment earlier today, I completely broke down. I called two people I knew I could talk to, but I believe mainly due to time differences, is why I couldn't talk to them. It was about 4:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m. their times. One person called back.

But it hurts to speak with her. I know I can talk to her, but how much is too much? She says, or at least she use to say, that she always wants to know what's on my mind, whatever it is. But, can I really tell her, I feel so fucking cold. I'm hurt that none of the people who claim to be my friends are concerned about me at all. They all chalk up excuses to being busy and shit.

I understand being busy. But, in the least if I reach the fuck out to you, then reach the fuck back. We're supposed to be friends. I realized today that I only have maybe three friends, including one potential.

I remember watching this Tyler Perry thing and he said in it that he puts people in his lives in the category of a tree; roots, branches and leaves. Roots will always remain. Branches are tricky, because they can break if you put too much pressure on them. Leaves are comforting, for the moment, because they change, move and die so frequently; they aren't reliable. I know for sure, there is one root in my life. And this is aside from family. One. But, she's been super busy also.She just bought a damn house. One day I'll do the same. But it still hurts that I haven't been able to reach her. I really need her now.

Many of the people I thought would be roots are actually branches. I can't trust them. But they're nice for a while, until pressure builds, they can't take it and they leave. One person has called me. She calls every once in awhile and swears all around that we are friends, but I can't trust her. She's not my friend. Just a branch.

Right now, I can't identify any leaves. But I do see another potential root, in one I originally wanted more from. I cried, as she silently made her exit from my life. I don't know why. But even now, I still cry. I read something she wrote, about catching feelings and being with an awesome person... I knew she wasn't talking about me, and it hurt so bad. But funny thing is that she's willing to be one of the best friends I've never had.

It's been her who's been keeping me from going completely insane. But I cry. After we got off the phone, I cried. Wishing it was me she wanted to continue to speak too. And yet again, I wondered after the tears fell, "What is wrong with me?" I also cried because I'd held back what I needed to release. Every time I speak with her, I wonder how much is too much? I try to find solace in the point that she doesn't want me and that whatever I share won't change her opinion of me. But, I can never really tell all. But I ache too. It hurts to keep this shit in. Yet, I also don't want to be too negative.

I've been wondering if I should just leave her be for awhile. But, as much as I want too, I can't. Because when I'm going through, she's the one who comforts me. She's the one who's been there on a regular basis. If I distance myself from her, who else will remain? I will be alone then.

I've been so busted the last few weeks. I'm trying to be positive about something, but after today, I'm really not sure when my time to be sad will end. I really just want to go the fuck home. But even when I get there, what would I do? Because I don't want to see the so called people who say they're my friends. There's only one dude, the other person I mentioned, who I can really see being a cool ass friend. We don't talk often, but he's seemingly always available when I want to speak to him. Another potential root.

However, because he is a guy, I don't share the extent of what I'm feeling about certain things like I would my other friend. Perhaps I should just ask him if those negative things would be okay. He always brings an interesting twist and humourous light to the situation anyway. And God knows I need to laugh. Perhaps I will talk to him.

Another thing though that's been trying to eat at me is this ridiculous feud with my sister and her tight-lipped husband. He's been quiet for months. Whenever I attempt to contact him, he doesn't respond. I'm always linked to my sister instead. Apparently he's upset because he thought I was rude during the time I was waiting for my computer to be fixed. He thought I was being rude to him. Well, I tried to apologize to him, but he hasn't responded to me. And so my sister is upset because she thinks I haven't apologized to him. I told her I did, and she said he won't accept it if he thinks she told me to do it. So, about a week later, I did a more sincere apology, he still hasn't responded.

I'm sick of this shit. I have my own fucking problems. If family is going to be on some other bullshit then fuck the fuck off. Fuck! This bitch is threatening to fucking sue me and he's mad because he misunderstood something I said. Get the fuck out!

Right now, I really, really, really need someone to talk to. Why is that every day I feel there's no one there?

Even in the Japan updates I do, people don't respond unless they want something. There are never in comments on "How are you?" I'm running the fuck out of patience. I'm tired. I really am. I wish I could just snuggle up with her and have no problems in the world. Even if just for a while. No fucking student loan payments to worry about, no fucking credit card payments to worry about, no fucking internet, phone, gas or electricity payments to worry about. No fucking potential international fucking lawsuits to worry about. Just nothing, but me and her. And I wonder, how long will it take for me to get there?

I'm also wondering now, what I'm going to do when I go home for vacation. There are only a handful of people I want to see. But, I want to be able to go to the beach, drive along the coast and just chill. But will the person I want to do these things with be available? I can go to the beach with my buddy, but the drive... I don't know.

I just wish I wasn't so fucking sad. I'm depressed at times and crying at others. My plans have failed. New shit pops up everyday. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I want to be happy. I'm tired of the fucking tears. What is wrong with me?


Help me.