Listen...

... To the words that are coming out of my mouth...

Listen...

... To the words that I speak with my heart...

Listen...

... To the words that I say to you...

Listen...

... To me...

I've been told I don't listen. I've been told, "I said that before." I've been told, "You don't listen to me."

And, I've been trying to figure out why. At times, I am the best listener, I know. I listen to, interpret, and comprehend mazes, algorithms, theories, as well as, hypotheses many either care not to understand or even attempt to learn.

Yet, with all this ability I have to interpret and grasp facts, there is still an area in which I'm working on further development, and it's not just dealing with being able to hear what is being conveyed, but to understand, grasp and put into practice after the first notation.

I've found that I'm able to completely listen or not listen at all. If I'm unintentionally indulging in the latter, I've discovered that my mental absence could be due to, being caught up in my own thoughts of what has been previously said or either, I'm not interested, at all. Simple enough, right? No se... (I don't know.)

By my missing facts or important notes I end up hearing one say, "I've said that before," or "You don't listen," or "Why do I have to repeat myself?" or "You don't listen to me." And ironically enough, this happens most often, (whenever it happens) in the situations, with people, I wish it wouldn't have occured with.

Aaaaa, I sigh... Ooooo, I let an old man growl... oye vei, I rest my head back on my pillow and close my eyes. I'm suppose to be better then this. I'm me; simply better than this. So what's the problem? I ask a question with an answer that hides itself from me.

Sigh...

I'm thinking of all this now because of a spat and an argument. With two different people, but two people I wish to not upset. One means a great deal to me, while the other is in a respectable position, though I do not care for her values or moral standards.

And for these to have happened so recently, around the same time, so close to each other on my personal timeline, it's sent my mind into a whirlwind of thought. Thoughts I wish I would just let go. I have a tendency to overthink things, so I believe. Which may be another reason for my disquietness.

Although, my concerns for the future are limited, my thoughts of this instance are abundant. And I'm tired.

I'm tired of all the apparent apathy when it comes to me, but when it comes to others and their concerns, it's me who doesn't listen. Ah... empathy for self turned to anger against someone else. Ha. Not in the least, but close.

At least I've recognized my intermittent problem and I've made and am still making steps to rectify it; but in the meantime I wonder if others are making moves to correct their own problems? Because while I'm listening to you... who will listen to me?

Listen...

Is what's been said to me.

Listen...

Is what I've been told I don't do enough of.

Listen...

Is what they want me to do.

But Listening, is a two way street.



Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on dried quicksand...

Peace.

Chasing...

... My tail is how I've felt lately. I'm running in circles... around the one I want to be with because, I'm not so sure she wants to be with me.

I've expressed myself a thousand times, minus 998. But still, that's more than I've ever done. I've stepped into a new side of myself that I know is easier for me to embrace, yet I wonder if she could embrace me too. However lately, I've been feeling like not.

She's older.

I wonder...

Does this affect how she could feel?

She's told me, she's thought about the age difference. She's told me because of my maturity and intellect she hasn't based our potential togetherness on my age. Still yet, she falters in giving me a final decision... yes or no? I don't know. Right now, it's friendship... "Friendship is cool," she says to me.

Wow... shaking my head... how could I be so naive? Tsk... tsk... tsk... "Do better Pimp," I attempt to comfort myself, but, "Ahhh, I'm not a Pimp, I just crush a lot, fills my mind with memories.

Still... through all my infatuations, crushes and lust motivated interests and relationships, I see that this time it's different. For me at least. I'd do anything for her. I feel that so deeply, with so much certainty, I wonder if it's Love. The feeling for her is so different, refreshing, enlightening... special. Pure and simple, it's special.

I've shared sides of myself with her, I've never shown anyone. I've given her access to me I haven't gifted to anyone else. But, yet, lately... as this fourth month of the year approaches us, I'm feeling the mind of my heart making itself up... "She doesn't want me."

I'm chasing pavements... I've realized that the first few lines of Adele's song, describes how I feel, "I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over. If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further, this ain't lust, I know this is love... But if I told the world, I'd never say enough because it was not said to you..."

I crave her in a place I've never craved before. I want her in a way, I've never wanted before. I only want her.

When I try to think of having sex with someone, my thoughts always bring me back to making love with her. I test myself; to see if this is real. It is... for one party. Damn. As much as this sucks, I feel that with us, we'll go not where I want. She's just too busy to see, or perhaps she sees and just ignores, or perhaps, she sees, ignores and doesn't feel.

One way or the other, she knows. She knows.

When Adele asks, "Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" I think to myself, "That's me. And to answer that question, I'll just give up."

I will no longer press the issue with her. Friendship is what she seeks. Friendship is what she'll get. I was hoping this wouldn't hurt, and for awhile it didn't, but as I've typed those last words, tears have formed in my eyes.

At most though, at least I can say, I've met a beautifully, incredible woman- mind, spirit, body, soul. Now I smile, because I am truly pleased to have met her. She's shown me a side of woman I'd only dreamed of, now I know she's real. And she's out there for me.

One day, this will be us... And my search will be complete.

Peace.

So...

... To say it's been a long time, might be a bit of an understatement... so, I confess... it's been too long. I've been so caught up in the on goings and non goings of life that I've strayed away from that which I love close to most, writing.

Yet, now I'm finding my way back through the chaos that once consumed my mind... and I'm finding that I'm free.

Free to be a me that I've never before released. For fear of judgment and misunderstandings, I kept this "she" all to me. But following the turn of events in my life and the beautiful spirit of a special one therein, I'm continually, yet slowly moving on an upward slope to be a more open being.

With that, to also stop being so afraid of the thoughts of others and their opinions of who I am.

I am one who He created and one whom He loves.

I am one who she wants to be with and one who deeply appreciates her for who she is.

I am one who loves life at it's simplicities and meditates through it's complexities.

I am one so often touched on a plane many can't relate to by the sadness of the world, that the ofteness aches my heart.

I am one who is giving freely of all of me, but if crossed will close all of me off to you as well.

I am one who is finding her way through life and slowly achieving her goals.

I am one who is truly, uniquely, me.

It's time to wake up and see the sunrise...

Welcome back to my thoughts.

Peace.