Caught Up ...

I'm at work again. You know the drill, clock in, clock out, etc. Some mostly predictable days, with sleepy, tired eyes. Wishing I was sleep in my bed. But, I'm not, I'm here. So I make the most of it and learn what I can to better myself. However, through out this time of "work," I frequently get lost within my own thoughts and hope ... I get lost and wish ... I get lost and want ... a woman. A new person who's just recently entered my life. A new beauty who doesn't even know she's on my mind.

On many levels it's disturbing, because I too am of the same persuasion. And have not yet come to grips with these relentless feelings I have of lust. Even as I type this, I wonder if I'm really going to release this onto the world wide web for the whole world of whomever cares to see. But, in essence to calm my worries, I look at it this way: it's therapeutic.

As of now, my main concern is if I could actually "trap her." My friends and I joke around about them being in a "thing" and trying to "trap some dude" into a relationship. It's funny, because some guys are so oblivious to your feelings. But, with women, they can pick up on it in a different way, sometime. I'm wondering if she can pick up on mine. I've only known her for about two weeks. But, I just have an overwhelming feeling to know her more. Hell, I don't even know her. But, I want to learn.

What's worst than being alone, is constantly having someone plague your thoughts while you're alone. She is always on my mind. And I'm like, I don't even know this girl. Why? I've talked to her a few times in person and a few times over the phone, but I don't know her. I don't even know how old she is.

I just wish we could almost choose who we like, so then things like this wouldn't happen: completely losing your mind over someone who doesn't even know your last name.

I chuckle some, I guess to ease the disturbance in my psyche. Because laughing is fundamental. It eases the mind. It pleases the heart. It soothes the spirit. So, when I'm confused out of my mind, I do my damndest to smile, because it will get better. Even when she doesn't know who I am. Because only one of two things can come of this anyway: either, we become what I want or we don't.

Of course I hope, want and wish for the first, but only time will tell.

How much is too much?

I wake up each day eager too speak to her. I wake up wanting to see her. And again, I've only known her for less than two weeks. This, it seems like a bit much. Especially when going back to the original point of us not even knowing each other. Us speaking and laughing together a few times, doesn't constitute knowledge of the other person.

Why do phenomena like this occur?

One fighting one's insides to rid themselves of feelings they don't want to have, but possess anyway. There is a battle in my soul; Every morning, every day, every night. And ... it's disturbing, to say the least. It really is. I'm so caught up in my own internal battle that I can't consciously make sound decisions regarding relationships anymore. I go into deep thought and evaluate what each person I've encountered really means to my life and determine whether I really need them. {Now this doesn't all apply to meeting her, but it's been an on going task from past bad relationships, it's just been amplified since these feelings began.}

I guess this is what it's like to be caught up ... or trapped.

What's it like to trap someone and don't even know you've trapped them? Because if she were to call and invite me somewhere or want to do something, I'd jump at the opportunity, but it hasn't presented itself yet. {I say "yet," for wishful thinking.} And meantime, I spend most of the work day wondering, "If I call her, will she think I'm weird for doing so?"

Wow, the madness continues ... and meantime, I'm caught up.

(Posted by IdentityQuest at 12:09 PM Wednesday, February 28, 2007, this is a new page, I hated the old colors and created my own, but I actually wrote this piece way back.)


© Robyn K. Mizelle, February 2007.