Rated R Explosive Impromptu Thoughts

...I just want to say Fuck you You Fuck Twat! You and your bitch for bringing this illness into my life. Your plague of bullshit spread through my mind, spirit like a dry wildfire... taking me away from things I love and allowing me to loathe myself for not doing more. Because just wanting to do more isn't enough. I went for a walk tonight to clear my mind and it worked for a while as I only focused on the words of Is Your Love Strong Enough by How To Destroy Angles on The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo soundtrack. I watched that movie the other day and admired in surprise, awe and a bit of fear at how Ilisbaeth fucked that guy up after what he did to her. (Secret Secret for those who haven't yet watched it)I need to fuck you up like that. You dare try and sue me after the proven nature of a thief you introduced to me occurred. What bull that is. How dare you besmirch my heart in that manner under the guise of a false friendship I should've never believed was there. Fuck You You Fucked Twat Hoe! You and your bitch for the bull you've brought to me and the bull I allowed you to bring for the second and last time. Too many people told me not to trust you after the crap you put me through the previous year. And my failing to heed their warnings has landed me here... in this mess, this hot mess, this hot ass mess, this flaccid pit of mess bearing your name and tragic stupidity. You fail me. You fail yourself. You fail at being a decent Earthling lucky enough to be called Human. Damn you! Damn me (is what's been happening since you reentered the picture) for bringing you back into my life... "Heed the warnings Chica," my spirit said to me... but my mind being all about the potential of earning extra, I didn't properly research and still haven't properly researched better ways to do so. Why you ask? Because I allowed you and your Fuck Twat Bitch to come into my life in The Worst Way. Then... you fucked me. To break a person's spirit...desire... is a pain... fight that lasts longer than a serious physical injury... and I've been trying to heal for a few years. This place is no longer my own and is no longer for me... but how do I leave with you riding my ass like the way Bush rode and now Romney rides the asses of one-celled blood thirst denizens of unjustly powerful imbecility? I'm sick of you. So tired of you I could spit. You and your threats bore me. We can never make an agreement if you always want to be in control. And if you always have to be in control, you will never be happy. So to you I say, "FUCK YOU! You Fucked Twat Wanna be Garbage Ass Hoe Reject and your BITCH for bringing this illness into my life. Silly me for letting you. But in the meantime, I do feel a bit better... after walking, crunching, showering, and writing... I can sleep. Peace Bitch! Peace.

She's Sick...

... And I don't know how to make it better. I came over here to surprise her and just be around if she needs me to be. Although the last time she had this illness, she said she was agitated and wanted to be alone. So, I didn't come, per her wishes and to my dismay.

I felt completely helpless and unsure. I'd cut short a trip I'd been looking forward to for months because she called and told me she had gone to the hospital. But on my way back into town, she told me she didn't want me to meet her and that she just wanted to be alone. Now I understand why, but then, I was confused, hurt and a bit angry... I could've still been on my trip, but I wasn't... because of her.

So, now... I'm here. I'm only staying for a little while, but she knows why I'm here. When I was sick and was admitted to the hospital two times and had gone to a clinic four times, she was there, every step of the way. In fact, she and my mother, who lives on the other side of the world, were the only ones there for me. I thought it was over and I was all to ready for that to end, but it stayed with me. For a while after the most severe portions of the illness, remnants of it still remained. So in all, I was sick about seven or eight weeks with about a week and a half break in between.

It was chaos.

But she was there. Cutting time out from other areas in her life just to make sure I didn:t become pneumonic and worst case scenario, die. She cares for me. Truly. And I just want to return even a smidet, if I can of the favor.

So though, she may not want me close to her, I'm still close by if she needs me.

She's My Bunni, and a huge part of the reason I want to stay here longer.

Now, we have our differences and disagreements and fights and boring moments and times, but we also have our comfort with each other, our excitement in anticipation of seeing one another, our laughs and our smiles, our jokes and our highs, our serious talks and not so sincere ones, our joys and our our crys, our trust and our concerns... she likes me, she cares about me and she enjoys me.

I like her, I care about her, I enjoy her as well, and now I want her well. So, I am here, helping in anyway I can... to assist the lady who came into my life and brought me joy.

So, right now she maybe sick, but tomorrow promises of a brighter day.

Peace.

Someone's In My Bed...

... It's been a few months. And, I've gone through so many different phases... still going through, to be honest.

I've finally gotten to the point to where I just don't want to be here anymore. Like, I'm soooooo ready to leave Japan it's not a joke. There's absolutely no bullshitting. I am ready to go.

But...

She's here... in my bed... sleeping... under my covers... and when she awakes... she will watch me... smile at me... and beg me to come to her.

She likes me. And I like her too.

She's sweet, kind, genki! (Japanese for excited, happy, fine, etc.) And she's so into me... I know this because she's told me so. But what surprised me was when I found out we are girlfriends. Yes. Apparently, I've entered into a relationship I didn't know I was in. She was on the phone one day with a friend whom had called her and she said, in Japanese,” “I’m busy with my girlfriend, I have to go. Goodbye.” Totally surprised me and after we talked about it and let more time pass, we talked more and I finally accepted it.

And now she's in my bed.

Dreaming about what only God knows, desiring what only God knows, wanting what only God knows. Because I don't. Our relationship is so new... moved super duper fast, I mean, quite the opposite of slow... that's just how fast it moved. But, after the time we've even spent together, some would say the end justifies the beginning... I do. :)

But the irony is oooohhhhh so clear... I finally have someone who wants to be with me and I want to be with also, but this location is no longer desirable for me. My plan is to seriously be out by November. I have no idea where we will be then. But in these three months since the beginning of the year my savings has only collected a few sprinkles... right now I'm praying hard that I will be out.

But alas... I don't want to leave her... yet in between now and then is quite sometime... let's see what happens. Although it is nice that she's here. I like her in my bed. I'm equally pleased that she likes me in hers as well.

Peace.

It's Happening...

...I feel it... I'm getting lonely again. Ugh. A buddy of mine and I were speaking about her going to a concert, but she doesn't have a date for the concert. All of the suggestions for people I threw out for her to go with were shot down. So my last suggestion was, to just go alone.

To this she said, "I just wanna be around other lesbians, is this too much to ask?" I told her, "No," and that I understand completely what she means. This then led to a conversation about the almost three years I've been in Japan, without a girlfriend. Hmm... but I didn't tell her about the time before I even left The States and how lonely I was then. I've always wanted a relationship, but for whatever reason, I was never able to have one.

And then the one real relationship I finally entered after years of being single, only lasted for about three months, and then she is on the other side of the world. I keep trying to tell myself that I need to get myself right and that this "alone" time is for me to work on myself, but Fuck I'm getting sick of the shit.

Half my friends are married, or engaged. And then the other 48% are in relationships. This shit always hits me hardest when drama happens in my life. I've just had a recent blow, a huge hard hitting blow and I'm not sure how I'm going to reel from this, but talking to her tonight definitely hasn't made it any easier.

I told her that I was thinking of having a Japanese girlfriend. Because hell, I've been holding out for someone that isn't here and someone I haven't come across yet. Why not just keep my options open instead of limiting them?

From this she proceeded to talk about my decision and making light jokes that I didn't find too damn funny about me loving soy sauce and shit. I can't believe I actually had to break the shit down to her that I'm fucking lonely! And me waiting on a black woman, of my standards, to come across me here in Japan is pretty much like a fucking waste of time. There's only one woman I've ever come across whom epitomizes all characteristics of the desires of my heart, and she doesn't want me, so hell.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Wait on her ass to cut the damn switch back on? No. Fuck that.

But then, I can't rush things either. I've been trying not to look for a girlfriend, because another friend said to me to stop looking and let it (slash her) find me. I've been waiting for eight years now. Seriously? I'm suppose to just act like this shit doesn't affect me?

Everyone needs companionship. I honestly have no idea how my mother has gone so long without it. I suppose though her energy was focused on us when we were growing up. But now, I want her happy. I want her with someone, the man of her dreams. And, want to be with the woman of mine. And if not her, then a close second, at least let me get my practice in.

I know people who've had many different partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, whomever... I can count on three fingers the number of meaningful terms I've had with people, and two of them hurt me tremendously.

I just want to be happy. Shit just keeps happening. When will it stop? And one thing frustrates the shit out of me is that the more intense the pressure of these passing days get, the more I miss her and the more I need her, but I'm not one to tell.

I saw this quote, "Never apologize for showing feeling, when you do so, you apologize for truth." It caught my attention for a second, maybe two and it tried to convey the message to me to just tell her how much I miss her and how I really feel. But with all the shit that's going on now, what good would it do? I thought my time was limited, hers is far more severe then imagined. Besides that, she's been short with me. Whether intentional or not, I feel the sting.

Although my heart-filled desire is to be with her for life, I realize there is a strong ass possibility it may not end up that way. Perhaps her role in my life is to teach me and show me that things aren't as difficult as they seem and that things can get done if I just do them. Her role is valuable indeed, and I'll always love her, I feel it in my soul. But even if she is not to be with now or ever, I'm still lonely. And now I just want someone to give me a hug.

Hugs on a regularly basis would be nice, and perhaps even some cuddling.

Oye vei.

Peace.

Simple Enough

Ugh! My friends and family have been saying to me for the longest that I should move back home. And what do I say, "Not yet. I don't want to." And it's true, I'm not. But just because I'm not ready to go back home, does that mean that I disqualify myself from having access to them?

I kid you not, my best friend has been M.I.A. for three weeks. As far as I know, she's been abducted by aliens. No call, no message, nothing. Another, has been M.I.A. for over a month. Hmmm... she's still around I know, but where? Is another story.

Another friend has, been missing for weeks as well. And my sister... my own sister... doesn't even call me.

Every one is and I quote, for each and every one of them, "Too Busy." End quote. Ugh! Whatever. People who think they know me, may not really know me... because if they did, they'd know I'm like extra sensitive to you not ever returning my calls or e-mails. Hell, I'm on the other side of the world, when I call or e-mail, can you find three seconds to e-mail me back? At least say, "Um... busy... ttyl." And I'm good.

But, because of my fully active paranoia, my mind always jumps to worse case scenarios, so if I don't hear from you, I'm on my knees praying for my strength to to accept whatever the outcome may be and your safety as well. And then, I wonder, well... "Did I do something?" After convincing myself that of course I did nothing, I wait and wait and wait for them to call. Of course, they don't. It is after maybe a month or so and I decide to up and call again one week, that maybe they will answer and apologize over and over for not being around.

Hmpf. In the meantime, I'm left to wonder about those three seconds. Is it not simple enough to find three seconds to at least e-mail me and say, "Don't worry."

Geez! And don't let me like you and just be crazy about you, then my mind is in a state of steady wonder... "What did I do to piss her off?" "Are we still okay?" "Did I say the wrong thing?"

Anyways, I need to let this out. I'm a bit frustrated... especially when I'm caught up in some triangle shit that I don't want to be in, but I'm not built with the switch to be able to just turn shit off. So in the meantime, I simmer down, and slowly let go.

I gotta go to sleep.
Peace.

Right Now...

...At this moment, I feel a love so deep and strong within me it's exciting and irritating. An interesting combination I know, but I'm coming more into me daily. The sadness, depression and discontent has long subsided, but now something else is there... more anger, but not enough to stall me from having happiness. It's strange.

And although I don't fully know or maybe even perhaps understand this new stuff going on with me, it's going and I'm willing to learn. I just pray to God to help me in the meantime. My future will not reflect my past. I will be better as I discover new areas of myself... reserved, experimental and new pieces of me I've decided to share.

Peace for now.
Ja ne...

Sleepy Thoughts-Time & Progression

Time is endless... as these tracks appear to be, long and unwinding, no flexibility or much room to breathe, unless the time you have, you spend wisely.

Currently, I listen to the clock sing it's blues to me... "click, clack,click, clack,click,clack... and so on." It doesn't stop, at least for now because the batteries are clean, fresh... just like a new life blown into my arms by a sweet unforeseen breeze. I breathe the presence of unity and peace. I appreciate the existence of divinity and excellence. And am very much so involved with a love affair to maintain my own sanity.

Meanwhile, "click, clack, click, clack, click, clack... and so on." I fight thoughts of my family hiding something from me and still not yet treating me as an equal. It's hard being the baby, rarely do people take you seriously. Especially those whom you love.

Instead of believing, respecting and letting time flow on so that the healing begins... they fight, argue, judge and label, stopping time in midair. Though impossible as it seems, it's true. Time stops because no progress is being made. Instead, vile statements are made, conducted by tongues trusted by a previous love.

Look at these tracks... each nail, each bolt, each sliver of wood were made at a different instant in time. Each connection, each hammer, each tightened screw were made one at a different moment in time, through many hours, many days, many minutes... progress was made.

Time is given to us, for this purpose; to make progress. And when we fail to do so, it stops. It stops because we hold on to these drab instances that could actually make us better and help us move on, help us grow.

But what of this which we do not allow that stops time? Anger, dissatisfaction, disapproval, shame, guilt, negativity... in most forms, yet first, the inability to accept things as they are and move on.

Because I am who I am I will be not invited to certain functions; I will not be called by some people; I will be ignored by others; I will be looked at dis-favorably; I will possibly be threatened and even attempts to hurt me may come across, yet none of these may bother me as much as when time stands steal from a malfunctioning effort of familial peace and reconciliation.

I just want time to move on. I want time to not be such a prevalent factor in our relations, I just want to progress... move forward and grow.

But, I'm actually hella sleepy, so wherever this was initially going will just have to wait for now.

Peace.